Tuesday 27 April 2010

Why I hate blogs...

Someone whose name I can't remember once described me as 'a closed book'. Naturally, I took umbrage at this. After all, for the past two years I'd been opening up to this person like a spring flower and she hadn't even had the decency to notice. 
'I'm not a closed book,' I said. 'Just a book no-one wants to read, like War & Peace or the John Barrowman autobiography. I’m a shit book.'
I stormed off in an appropriately violent rage and vowed never to communicate with anyone again.
I was doing quite well at it too until last week when my agent started banging on about writing a blog.

-What's a blog? I asked.
-It's kind of like an online diary.
-What's the point in that then?
-It allows your readers to get inside your head, opens up your personality a bit.

If my agent knew me as well as I do he'd know this to be a bad idea. My head is a dreary and pointless place and my personality? Well, if I had to describe it in a couple of words, say for an online dating site or an obituary, I'd probably plump for something like: timid but spiteful.

-My personality causes more problems than it solves, I said, speaking from experience.
-Just put some opinions out there then.
-But my opinions are worthless!

This is something we all have in common by the way. Our opinions ain't worth diddly-squat. This never used to be a problem - back in the days when everyone's opinions were more or less contained in the sanctity of their own heads - but now, when they're all over facebook and twitter and blogger and blabber, plastered over the internet like shit on a toilet wall, it's become a massive pain in the arse.

-But blogging is different, he insisted. Blogs are interesting.

I don't know if he actually believes this or if he was just talking shite in that casual, almost instinctive way that agents do, but it took less than 30 minutes of research to discover that blogs, far from being interesting, are in fact the dullest things that have ever existed. And why wouldn't they be? Life is dull. Unless you're Bob Dylan or Dog the Bounty Hunter (and hardly anyone is) your life is as dull as ditchwater. Duller, in fact, because ditchwater is at least something you don't see every day. In fact, I'm not certain I've ever seen it. Not sure I'd know it if I did either. Anyway, your life bores me shitless and for every bungee jump or African safari you put in it only bores me more. My own life is so dull that if you made it into a movie the big climactic final scene would be me writing this blog. My life is way duller than ditchwater.

I explained all this to my fool of an agent and he said: do it anyway.

So there you have it. If he wants a blog I’ll give him a blog and if everyone hates it it’s his fault and not mine. Every single one of my stupid, worthless opinions will be spewed out for all the world to see and every gloriously profound thought will be shoved down the throats of all who come here. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Reticent Blog: the only blog on the web founded on the premise that everyone would be a lot happier if we all just shut up.

In the words of Homer Simpson: 'the problem is communication… too much communication.'

Monday 26 April 2010

You won't believe the day I've had...

This idiot shouldn't be allowed out in my opinion.













That was all before lunch too. Unbelievable.