11 sensible ways to improve 11 sports...

1. DARTS
Set the board to 'rotate' as opposed to the more traditional 'stationary' option. The board will move slowly at the start of the match and get quicker with each leg until, eventually, it is nothing more than a red, black and green hypnotic blur. This will undoubtedly separate the men from the boys.
Also, introduce a new 'quadruple' ring in between the treble and the bullseye. Hard to hit, being roughly the size of two gnat's cocks side by side, but, if mastered, would enable a fearless player to check out 501 in 7 darts. This will also separate the men from the boys.

2. FOOTBALL
Introduce a ten minute 'multiball' period at the end of each game. Between the 80th and 90th minute there will be two balls on the pitch, both in play. This means two goals could be scored simultaneously at each end or, if one team were to take possession of both balls, two goals could be scored in the same goal at the same time. This will inevitably lead to chaos and put an end to games dribbling out in dull and predictable fashion. TV companies will have to show the action in split-screen so as to be able to focus on both balls. If that doesn't separate the men from the boys I don't know what will.

3. SWIMMING
Fill the pool with all manner of 'interesting' aquatic life such as piranhas, sharks, jellyfish, seaweed, coral, seahorses, beach balls and oil tankers. This will almost certainly separate the men from the boys.

4. TENNIS
Introduce two new surfaces to go alongside grass, clay and hard courts: ice and sand. With a new grand slam on each, one in Dubai and one in Sweden. Also, force the spoilt bastards to say 'please' and 'thank you' every time they request balls or towels from the ball boys. Each time this rule is flouted, the ball boys are permitted to throw one ball, as hard as they like, at the back of the offender's head as he serves. This will integrate the men and the boys.

5. FORMULA ONE
Introduce numerous obstacles (a few tricky and a few downright dangerous) to each track. I'm talking about ramps, speed-ups, big holes in the ground, patches of oil for skidding, patches of glue for slowing you down, bags of nails for puncturing your tyres and 'tunnels' that turn out to be just painted on to solid rock. Remember, the only significant difference between Formula One and Wacky Races is one's boring and one's not.

6. GOLF
Install some sort of vertical firing mechanism in the cup of each hole that shoots the ball straight up to a height of about 10ft approximately 5 seconds after being putted. The putter will then have to volley the ball as hard as he can with his driver onto the next hole and that replaces the tee shot. This will be exciting for all concerned as any spectacular long range puts will have to be accompanied by a lung-busting, heart-attack-inducing sprint to the hole in order to hit the drive. If you don't get there in time it's a dropped shot. Harsh but fair.

7. GYMNASTICS
Advise that all female gymnasts perform their routines in the nude so that we can better analyse their techniques and award them the marks their talent deserves. Also, insist that all male gymnasts perform their routines in a full dress suit, complete with bowler hat and umbrella. Some discretion will be given with regards using the umbrella for balance but points will, of course, be deducted if the hat falls off at any stage.

8. CRICKET
Bring in the old 'one-hand, one-bounce' rule that has been so successful in beach cricket down the years.

9. RUGBY
Just get rid of it. It's rubbish.

10. SHOWJUMPING
Instead of posh totty on horses, do it with Hell's Angels on motorcycles.

11. ROWING
Similar. Instead of toffs pissing about in boats, do it with Hell's Angels on motorcycles.