United in madness...

In the last few days, a fair few of my friends/colleagues/acquaintances have come down with some particularly nasty cases of this World Cup Fever that's been going round.



World Cup Fever is a delusion of the brain that causes hitherto healthy and rational men to suddenly convince themselves with complete and utter certainty that England are about to win the World Cup. They paint their faces, put flags on their cars, buy new TVs and say things like: 'we've got the players' and 'Wayne Rooney's the best striker in the world' and 'remember, it's winter over there.'
Occasionally, they even get science involved. Remember this list of previous World Cup winners that was rolled out to mass excitement in 1998?

1966: England
1970: Brazil
1974: Germany
1978: Argentina
1982: Italy
1986: Argentina
1990: Germany
1994: Brazil
1998: ?

*That question mark was supposed to symbolise England but ended up symbolising France.

Sufferers of the disease seem to lose all cognitive thought (much like those under the influence of a spell or hypnosis) and are unable to understand what the rest of us all know intuitively - there is more chance of the moon turning, overnight, into a giant, floating Malteser than there is of England ever winning the World Cup.


Fortunately, the disease is still rare (though experts have noticed that it seems to be on a four year cycle with particularly bad outbreaks in the summers of 1998, 2002 and 2006) and can be controlled with repeated, Clockwork Orange-style viewings of Chris Waddle's penalty, Beckham's sending off and Graham Taylor saying 'do I not like that' on a continuous loop.
Now I know all about World Cup Fever having first contracted it as a mere boy in 1990 and almost dying from it in 2006 but I am now, thankfully, immune to all forms of the disease (including its domestic variants Pre-Season Optimism Disease and Our Name's On The Cup Syndrome). My immunity, of course, means I am destined to spend the next month as the 'lone voice of sanity in an ocean of madness' (or 'miserable prophet of doom' as the afflicted call me) but I don't mind. I'd rather be despised for my defeatist attitude than get sucked in and blown out again by that complete bunch of bastards and losers we call the England Football Team.
If you, or anyone you know, is currently suffering the effects of World Cup Fever, the following clips should help to bring it back under control:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmws59X1cNg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGdQvqbIexk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExUX7MBk5UM
and finally...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37PIWoYsj00

England expects...

I am pleased to announce that, after much undignified begging from the Football Association, I have agreed to write and record the official England World Cup song for 2010.

It is to the tune of The Who's Won't Get Fooled Again and goes like this:

(VERSE 1)
We'll be watching in the streets,
With our children at our feet.
And the first few games will tempt us to believe. 

And the flags will fly so proud, 
And the fans will cry so loud. 
And the whole wide world will start to shake with fear.

(CHORUS)
We'll get sucked in by the whole situation,
Kid ourselves with our own expectations, 
Smile and grin as the final gets closer 
and everything we do just clicks. Just like '66. 
And I'll get on my knees and pray,
We don't get fooled again.

(VERSE 2)
They'll be melting in the heat,
And dying on their feet. 
And the hope that they have sold us will be gone.

And the men who led us on,
Will say they knew it all along.
And the England team will always get it wrong.

(CHORUS 2)
We'll get embroiled in a cloud of depression, 
Fill ourselves with tears and frustration. 
Soldier on as the summer is cancelled. 
And tell ourselves it was a fix, just like '86. 
And I'll get on my knees and pray,
We don't get fooled again.

(BRIDGE)
We should be pleased just to have qualified 
and be happy that we got out alive. 
Take down the flags and the paint from our skin, 
for we know that the England team never win.
Do ya?

(VERSE 3)
We'll be gracious in defeat, 
'Cos we're good at getting beat. 
We tried our best, we're just crapper than the rest. 

And with Gerrard on the left,
and Walcott on the right. 
We should have known the balance wasn't right.

(CHORUS 3)
I'll tip my hat to Capello's replacement,
The same old players in the same old formation, 
Smile and grin when we beat the Albanians 
and everything we do just clicks, like Euro '96. 
And I'll get on my knees and pray, 
We don't get fooled again.

(I have decided that the classic Daltrey scream that usually comes at this point will be provided by Carlton Palmer. Hopefully it will feel as strange and out of place as the John Barnes rap did on World In Motion.)

(CODA)
Meet the new team,
Same as the old team.

















Available from all good record shops (and at least two really shit ones).