11 ideas I've had that would have changed the world if I'd bothered to see them through...

1: Multi-flavoured crisps
Kind of like a lucky dip. You buy a packet of crisps and each crisp therein could, potentially, be a different flavour. So you’ve got all your premier league crisps: Ready Salted, Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar, Smoky Bacon, Prawn Cocktail and Roast Beef, plus a few of the best Championship crisps: Roast Chicken, Barbecue, Cheese & Chives, etc. all in one packet and you never know which one you’re going to get next. Just imagine the tension! Everyone knows that food and flavours are infinitely more shocking when the palette isn’t pre-warned and prepared. Imagine getting two Ready Salteds and then WALLOP! Prawn Cocktail, all of a sudden and without a word of warning! Downside: Some people may die from the shock.

2: Disappearing dress iPhone app
Basically, an iPhone app that works the same way as those pens with the attractive ladies on them whose dresses fall down when you tip them up and then fall back on when you tip them the other way. Everyone remembers those pens as they were as close as mankind had thus far come to perfection… but they did get boring quickly on account of their one-girl policy (a limitation imposed upon them by the technology of the day and the restrictive pen-based format). The iPhone, however, with its phenomenal memory and capacity to store everything in the world ever could hold a limitless number of different girls to undress, thus ensuring that the initial excitement we all remember from the first pen-tip would never, ever fade.
Downside: Could eventually result in the end of civilization.

3: TV idea #1
Special edition of hit BBC quiz show, The Weakest Link featuring only Chinese people, entitled The Weakest Chink.
Downside: Racist.

4: 51st State
Britain to ask Barack Obama for permission to officially declare itself the 51st State of America, thereby finally putting a halt to our 100-year decline. This will mean no more crap government, no more crappy economy, no more rubbish ‘British’ films, no more BBC, no more ruling classes, no more monarchy and, hopefully, no more Jeremy Clarkson.
Downside: Baseball. We would all have to watch baseball.

5: Pedal operated toilet seats
Just like pedal operated bins, the seat’s default position is down. When a man uses it he simply steps on the pedal and the seat lifts while he urinates. When he finishes and walks away the seat crashes back down, leaving his wife/girlfriend with nothing whatsoever to complain about (nothing toilet related anyway). Perfect for public toilets and festivals when you don’t want to touch the seat (or anything else in there) with your hands. Further plus: women, as full-time sitters, need not operate the machine at all and, therefore, it will not get broken and should, in theory, last forever.
Downside: None whatsoever.

6: Special cigarettes for kids
This is still a relatively untapped market. Having done some research at a local primary school (before being unceremoniously moved on) I found this is not because children don’t want to smoke but because all the adverts and marketing and so on are aimed at adults. I predict that the first person clever enough to produce some fags specifically marketed at kids will make an absolute killing. All it needs is some colourful packaging and a clever promotion (give out a few free samples outside schools or youth clubs) and Bob’s your uncle. Could call them SmokeStix or FunFagz or something.
Downside: Many millions of people will die.

7: TV idea #2
In the same spirit as that horrible Ladette To Lady show in which honest working class girls are kidnapped by Normans and forced to conform to their insane standards of etiquette and cuntishness. In this we take four of the biggest cunts in Eton and send them to California to link up with the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels. Here they will be ridiculed for their inability to spit, drink, ride motorbikes, fight and swear properly. The climax of the series will see the four cunts getting the shit comprehensively beaten out of them by the Angels while All Along The Watchtower blares out over the top of their girlish screams.
Downside: My inability to think of a suitably pithy title.

8: Superior education
Current national curriculum to be abolished and all children instead given the following works to study at their leisure over a 12-year period:
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
CATCH-22
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF BOB DYLAN
THE I-CHING
PET SOUNDS
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF KURT VONNEGUT
THE LORD OF THE RINGS
THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF LOUIS CK
IMPROVE YOUR SNOOKER by CLIVE EVERTON
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF LARRY DAVID
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF THE BEATLES
Downside: People will figure out the meaninglessness of life at a dangerously early age.

9: New way to sign off letters of complaint
In order for any letter to be properly classified as a complaint it MUST be signed ‘you bunch of bastards’ as opposed to ‘yours sincerely’ or ‘yours faithfully’ or whatever other bollocks people put down. This will avoid any unnecessary confusion.
Downside: Nope.

10: TV idea #3
Special edition of hit BBC quiz show, The Weakest Link featuring only sinks, entitled The Weakest Sink.
Downside: The sinks probably won't be able to answer any of the questions.

11: Revolution
The current Tory government are setting us up nicely for this with their new Undisguised Hatred of the Working Classes policy and I, for one, thank them for it. We have been oppressed and shackled by the Norman yoke for the best part of a thousand years now and nothing has quite got us riled up enough to do anything about it; but the arrival of these new super cunts, at a time when the country was already ripening for revolution, could be just what we need. I hereby judge the time to be right and call upon the common man to rise up, realise your strength, kick these bunch of bastards out of office and take what’s yours. All it needs to succeed is for us all to do it at the same time (then we can enjoy the fun bit of getting into power, surrounding ourselves in gold and turning, very quickly, into the people we kicked out in the first place). Ok, I appreciate that this isn’t particularly reticent but reticence will only get you so far (even Confucius acknowledged that) and sometimes you have to say: fuck off!
Downside: We'll probably all be shot.

11 things the government took away and hoped nobody would notice...

1. Toys in cereal packets
2. Soft porn on Channel 5
3. Slush puppies
4. Elm trees
5. Bar billiard tables
6. Jim Davidson
7. Fizzy Chewits
8. Hovercrafts
9. Communists
10. Those candy sweets that looked like cigarettes and helped ease kids into smoking from a young age
11. Freedom

Those of us who live with our eyes open will know that this is not merely a list of things that went out of fashion and faded away naturally (like brown cars and pogs) but rather a list of things that were taken away by our Norman overlords to keep us suitably oppressed and sedated and less inclined towards a possible uprising. You will have forgotten this but some time in the early to mid-90s, the government carried out an evil and sinister experiment to test how much the average prole pays attention to the world around him and, subsequently, find out how much they could get away with.
The experiment was simple: change the colour of Walkers' salt and vinegar crisp packets from blue (as is proper) to green (as is wrong) and swap cheese and onion from green (proper) to blue (wrong) and see how many people notice. Unfortunately for us, very few people did notice at the time and those that did were quickly brainwashed into believing that Walkers' salt and vinegar had never been blue. To help with the subterfuge, pressure was quickly put on other crisps to follow suit and they all did (except Golden Wonder, which resisted admirably and has since been virtually stomped out of existence by the Norman capitalists). Then, having successfully wiped this period of crisp history from people's minds, all that remained was to wipe it from the history books (a search for this cover-up on Google yields suspiciously few results). The results of the crisp experiment were bad news for us because it gave the government cart blanche to chip away at our freedoms one by one (a process that has started but is by no means finished). This erosion happens slowly (just like coastal erosion). First they ban smoking on airplanes, then trains, then in cinemas, then restaurants, then cafes, then pubs, then public places, then your own car and eventually your own home. But it happens so gradually that we do not notice and so do not fight.
Anything with the potential to excite or amuse us is quickly wiped out. Toys in cereal packets (the only thin ray of sunshine in the common man's life and the only real incentive to get out of bed in the morning) were deemed to be far too stimulating, and slush puppies, coupled with the hot summers and carefree spirit of the Britpop years, were a revolution waiting to happen. And don’t think for one minute that drugs are illegal because they are dangerous. They are illegal because they are fun and they make people happy and that is one thing that the Establishment simply cannot allow. In order for them to feel safe we need to be kept in a subdued state of tired apathy. We’re allowed to do things as long as they don’t get us too excitable and rouse us into action (that’s why mind expanding drugs are illegal and car boot sales are not). You see, the masters treat the masses like parents treat children. Give them just enough sustenance and entertainment to keep them alive but for Christ’s sake don’t give them any sugar!