United in madness...

In the last few days, a fair few of my friends/colleagues/acquaintances have come down with some particularly nasty cases of this World Cup Fever that's been going round.



World Cup Fever is a delusion of the brain that causes hitherto healthy and rational men to suddenly convince themselves with complete and utter certainty that England are about to win the World Cup. They paint their faces, put flags on their cars, buy new TVs and say things like: 'we've got the players' and 'Wayne Rooney's the best striker in the world' and 'remember, it's winter over there.'
Occasionally, they even get science involved. Remember this list of previous World Cup winners that was rolled out to mass excitement in 1998?

1966: England
1970: Brazil
1974: Germany
1978: Argentina
1982: Italy
1986: Argentina
1990: Germany
1994: Brazil
1998: ?

*That question mark was supposed to symbolise England but ended up symbolising France.

Sufferers of the disease seem to lose all cognitive thought (much like those under the influence of a spell or hypnosis) and are unable to understand what the rest of us all know intuitively - there is more chance of the moon turning, overnight, into a giant, floating Malteser than there is of England ever winning the World Cup.


Fortunately, the disease is still rare (though experts have noticed that it seems to be on a four year cycle with particularly bad outbreaks in the summers of 1998, 2002 and 2006) and can be controlled with repeated, Clockwork Orange-style viewings of Chris Waddle's penalty, Beckham's sending off and Graham Taylor saying 'do I not like that' on a continuous loop.
Now I know all about World Cup Fever having first contracted it as a mere boy in 1990 and almost dying from it in 2006 but I am now, thankfully, immune to all forms of the disease (including its domestic variants Pre-Season Optimism Disease and Our Name's On The Cup Syndrome). My immunity, of course, means I am destined to spend the next month as the 'lone voice of sanity in an ocean of madness' (or 'miserable prophet of doom' as the afflicted call me) but I don't mind. I'd rather be despised for my defeatist attitude than get sucked in and blown out again by that complete bunch of bastards and losers we call the England Football Team.
If you, or anyone you know, is currently suffering the effects of World Cup Fever, the following clips should help to bring it back under control:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmws59X1cNg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGdQvqbIexk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExUX7MBk5UM
and finally...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37PIWoYsj00