I have been weighing up the possibility of signing Glitter for many years now, ever since I noticed how badly he was being let down by his clueless and unproactive management. I'm sure that, like me, you have all been baffled by the great man's sudden and unexplained disappearance from the Hit Parade and I daresay you are equally troubled to see that a man of such talent and charisma can, seemingly, vanish so utterly and without trace in this fickle world we live in. After all, if this can happen to Glitter, then it can surely happen to anyone. It was obvious to me that the fault didn't lie with poor Glitter (who, to date, has never put a foot wrong in his sparkling career) but with his inept management (who, in my opinion, have fucked up big time in the last few years, taking their eyes off the ball and inexplicably allowing their client to drop off the radar of pop culture). Consider this: the man hasn't released a single in almost a decade! Why?! And when was the last time you saw him on The One Show? Or pressing the button that starts the lottery? Or doing something for Children In Need? Or guest starring in Doctor Who? Or even a pantomime? Glitter's boyish good looks and natural affinity with children would make him an obviously perfect Peter Pan!
The more I thought about it the angrier I became, and when I discovered, to my dismay, that Glitter was to play no part whatsoever in the Olympics opening ceremony, I resolved there and then to do something about it. I wasn't going to stand idly by and watch them procrastinate while Glitter's career went up the shitter any longer. I flew out to Dubai the very next day and met Glitter's representatives at Gimcrack Management.
Of course they used every underhand trick in the book to try and put me off, including filling my head with poisonous lies and accusations (which I shan't repeat here) against Glitter's character, but I was not to be taken in. My mind was made up and I wasn't leaving until I'd rescued the man from these dangerous idiots. My suspicions about the general incompetence of Gimcrack Management proved to be well-founded as they, unbelievably, sold me his contract for nothing! They even laughed and danced around like they were happy to be shot of him. I was appalled but vindicated. No wonder the man's career has hit the skids with people like this behind him, I thought. These are the sort of fuckwits who, when the inevitable call came in for Glitter to play Wembley for £10 million, would have laughed and told them he'd play it for free! I felt bad for the man and all the wasted years but couldn't dwell on it. As I said to Glitter as he signed his new contract with Reticent Records, 'what do I care about the past? The past is history! All that matters now is the future and the future is bright! In fact, I foresee a glittering future for both of us!'
The line was completely unplanned. It just came to me from nowhere and further reinforced my belief that we were about to create something wonderful. It just felt right.
Glitter was grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat! His sparkle was back, as was that cheeky mischievous grin we all know and love.
I was delighted. The ink was barely dry on the contract, but by restoring Glitter's (understandably) fragile confidence, I had already done more in a matter of minutes than Gimcrack Management had in a whole decade of feeble indifference. With the glint fast-returning to his eye, I gave him a further boost by reminding him that he was a God and could do as he pleased. Then I drafted up plans for a greatest hits album (All That Glitters Is GOLD); a world tour (the Up The Gary! tour); a celebratory book of his life up to this point (You Can't Polish A Turd But You Can Roll It In Glitter) and a new single, co-written by myself and Gary, entitled 'I Raped A Girl... (and I liked it!)'. As you may have guessed from the title, the song is a humorous parody of Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl' and is sure to win Glitter a brand new, younger audience (something both he and myself are very keen on securing). In fact, I am at this stage in tentative talks with a number of primary schools about the possibility of getting a children's choir to sing on the Up The Gary! tour but up until now they have all seemed strangely hesitant. I can only logically put this down to the fact that Glitter has been so criminally under-promoted for so very long that he is deemed to be passe. The new single (with its racy accompanying video) is sure to change all that...
Next, the Reticent Party will find out who the most over-rated person in history is.
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