Now I was naturally sceptical at first (what the fuck is a chevron?!) but changed my mind almost immediately when I noticed that my car was indeed sitting exactly two chevrons behind the car in front. Now, I don’t usually care for rules (that’s why the establishment fat cats fear me so much) but the pride I felt at obeying this one so effortlessly can only be compared to the pride I felt the day I first figured out I was the best Connect-4 player in the universe. Who’d have thought conformity could be so exhilarating?
All of a sudden, maintaining the two chevron gap was the most important thing in the world. Everything else was blocked out – where I was, where I was going, who I was, why I was – all I cared about was keeping close to that car in front and not letting him open up a three, or perhaps even a four chevron gap. This was far from easy and was made harder still by the fact that the swine seemed determined to laugh in the face of the chevron system and kept speeding up in more and more desperate and reckless attempts to lose me. But each time he did, I floored it in the name of law and order and managed to keep and hold that magical two chevron gap for something like twenty miles (my incredible run came to an end when the chevron system ceased suddenly and without warning at junction 5 and I smashed right up his arse).
I have since decided that the chevron is as close as mankind has come, or ever will come, to perfection and should be immediately rolled out as a universal unit of measurement to be used to measure anything worth measuring. So say goodbye to the fiddly days of pounds, pence, metres, ounces, hours, minutes, Kelvins and tonnes, from now on it will be:
How deep is that grave anyway?
About 16 chevrons.
Are we there yet?
Just a couple of thousand chevrons to go.
How much for the hat?
Four chevrons and fifty chevrons please.
What the fuck’s wrong with you?
I’m tired. I only had two chevrons’ sleep last night.
Why the long face?
Because I’ve been living in the same house and working in the same job and sleeping with the same wife for the best part of 50 chevrons now.
And finally…
The speed of light is exactly 299,792,458 chevrons per chevron.
It will be a simpler (and better) world for all of us.
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