Big Things come in Small Packages...

I would hereby like to offer you, loyal readers, a once in a lifetime opportunity to join one of the most exclusive clubs in the universe. All you have to do is buy and read my novel, The Next Big Thing, in its entirety and you’re in. I give you my word that more people have walked on the surface of the moon than have read this book.

Just think how special that will make you!



Go on, buy one. It’ll be good for the economy.





Synopsis

The Next Big Thing is a comedy following a young, hard-working rock band through the dizzying highs, terrifying lows and pointless middles of their first ever UK tour, tracking their progress from local nobodies to national heroes over the course of one exhilirating summer. The story is split roughly into two parts, contrasting the gritty and sometimes bleak realism of life in an unsigned band with the glossy surrealism of superstardom.The adventure begins on the eve of summer when the four band members, their middle-aged manager, Paul, and lightheaded roadie, Lipstick, buy an old ambulance (cheaper than a tourbus, cooler than a van) and head to Brighton. Over the course of the tour they lock horns with the NME, encounter their first groupies, offend the good people at Radio One and learn a few lessons about life on the road from their more experienced touring partners, The London Underground (or the Ex Big Thing, as they've taken to calling themselves), before eventually arriving in Somerset for a potentially career defining slot at the legendary Glastonbury Festival where they will learn, once and for all, whether they really have what it takes to call themselves The Next Big Thing.

Praise for The Next Big Thing:

"I don’t like it."
Sheridan J. Twagthorn

"Take the absurdity of Spinal Tap, the gritty realism of Extras, the soul of The Commitments and the magic of A Hard Day's Night, boil them all up together and you'll get the book that this book is trying to be."
Chester Cleft

Author's Note:

Some of you may be aware of a book called Death Of An Unsigned Band by a bloke named Tim Thornton. I feel it necessary to point out at this juncture that my hilarious book about an unsigned band was completed a full four years before his hilarious book about an unsigned band and if anyone ripped off anyone then he ripped off me. Probably using some sort of telepathic apparatus.
Naturally, my intense fury at being the victim of such blatant plagiarism was the driving force behind my decision to publish this rubbish in the first place. Without you, Mr Thornton, this book would have stayed on the shelf forever... where it undoubtedly belongs. Now, because of you, it's out there. I hope you're pleased with yourself.

It’s not the first time I’ve been beaten to the market by someone with better connections either. The exact same thing happened to me a few years back with the clockwork radio. My prototype had been sitting on the shelf, ready to go for years before my nemesis, Trevor Baylis, crept in and shafted me at the last minute. I also fear there’s a very real danger that the same fate might befall my perpetual motion machine too if I don’t pull my finger out. That snake Baylis is bound to have his inferior model on the shelves in time for Christmas.

Baylis sent me this smug picture of himself posing with his radio at Christmas '97. On the back he'd written 'Better luck next time, pal'. I was unable to think of a suitably pithy reply so was forced to burn his house down.